I Deserve Better, I Deserve Me.

I think, most likely, everyone has had their feelings, their thoughts, their beliefs in some form delegitimized by someone.

In the form of words from another person, actions, a patterns of actions, a pattern of words. People often don't think its noticeable, however choosing awareness gives you a boost. (Jokes on them, reality of it is on you) 

Now for me,  I always made the direct connection with my Bipolar Disorder. Having talked to many incredible people who live with Mental Illness, this is unfortunately not rare. People have learned to assume instability with Mental Illness. Its often an automatic assumption. Meaning I must be an unstable person. Which becomes, to them,  a very good reason to just write off my feelings, choices, and actions. 

Its unfortunate. What we live with everyday is probably more strength and insight then they could understand. 

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However I'm going to push the Bipolar aspect of it aside.

 I say  "I am Not My Illness" quite often. Except I sure got into the habit of attributing a lot to it.  Connecting whatever I can with it. Regarding myself and my relationships with others.

The truth is, there are parts to me and my behaviors that are not connected to my Bipolar Disorder. They are just me, they formed over years before the Bipolar Disorder showed its funky colors. They need to be talked about just as much, especially since there is more to my Mental Health than taking care of my Mental Illness. Since I truly do believe I am not my illness. 

I have always been passionate with my thoughts, my beliefs, and yes with my emotions. I grew up in an emotionally charged house and add on to that that I've been doing theatre since I was quite young. It would be unrealistic to think any of that did not seep into my being.

 Part of that passion has come out in anger, with loudness, and lots of curse words (I am a big fan of profanities) 

I have  used words that I probably shouldn't of in heated moments. People don't necessarily put legitimacy to your words, actions, feelings or beliefs when they are loud and accompanied with harsh words. No matter how based in reality and truth they are. To some, those actions show instability. While the feelings and thoughts behind it are based in truth, the way my actions and reactions are presented come off wildly unstable. Which is something I have to take responsibility for, and be aware of. 

Another thing that can be perceived as instability are people who think "Out of the Box".

Hi I'm Erez, I think Outside the Box. 

To me, its been a natural thing to live and think outside the box. Why would I want to live inside a box? Why I would I want to think inside it? There's no growth, there's no actual movement, and its so not natural. We were meant to roam free, not be stuck inside something. Especially when that something has been put together badly. Perhaps its from IKEA.

Those instructions suck for something that is supposed to be simpler. 

The issue, is that "In the Box" is what is expected, and what we become conditioned to. It is what is seen as "normal" and if you are not going along with what is seen as "normal". You are unstable. NO LEGITIMACY FOR YOU TODAY! 

Just like how other peoples actions and words form patterns that display to me as proof that my feelings and thoughts are not legitimate to them. My actions and words form patterns to them that took them to that place. It formed patterns in me as well.

There's that taking responsibility thing popping up again.

I can't do much about my past actions and words, I can't change my reactions on those occasions now either. Just as much as I can't change living with Bipolar Disorder. I can't change how I am viewed now. I also can't focus on trying to prove a new view of me to them, but that's another pattern altogether. Equally unhealthy. 

A lot of the time, the things that have kept me in those friendships or relationships has been what people call loyalty. However, it can often switch over to blind loyalty. That blind loyalty is like running into a wall and saying  "Oh right there's a Wall there"

Then doing it again and again.

Running into walls hurt. It also becomes damaging to your nasal structure. I wonder if this is why I don't like my nose.

It's a lot like how it feels when people who once felt closest to me,  over time, just showed me that at the end of the day, their views of me were as someone unstable. Someone who's feelings, thoughts and very being were not very legitimate to them 

Yet, I keep going back to allowing it. I keep running into the wall.

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At what point do I decide to find myself worthy, forgive myself for the past, and reclaim my worth?

I ended up starting to find that worth and it turned into "These people don't deserve me, I deserve to be deserved"

True Story. HUGE error there though. 

The focus shouldn't of been on "Those People" who "Don't Deserve Me"

The focus should of been on "I Deserve Me"

The wall we run into over and over again, is us. We repeat the action, and we are stopped by us. We make the choice to turn back around, and end up right there again.

I did it, and getting out of that habit is work. It's hard. It's emotional filled. 

It's still better than running into that wall over and over again.

Do you know  ridiculous it looks running into a wall over again.

It is horrible for my self-worth.

Plus I don't have the kind of money for a nose job. 

It is the most important lesson I'm learning, and yes still learning.

Above all else, the person that needs to be most legitimate to me

Is me. 

There's a lot of answers about our life in it

A lot of answer about ourselves in it.

A lot of answers about the people we allow in our lives in it.

As soon as the focus starts shifting.

I Deserve Me.

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